Nonfiction

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

  • Downloads：5269
  • Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
  • Create Date：2021-04-20 13:55:00
  • Update Date：2025-09-06
  • Status：finish
  • Author：Douglas Stone
  • ISBN：0670921343
  • Environment：PC/Android/iPhone/iPad/Kindle
  • Download

Summary

Whether you're dealing with an under performing employee， disagreeing with your spouse about money or child-rearing， negotiating with a difficult client， or simply saying "no，" or "I'm sorry，" or "I love you，" we attempt or avoid difficult conversation every day。 Based on fifteen years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project， Difficult Conversations walks you through a step-by-step proven approach to having your toughest conversations with less stress and more success。

You will learn:
-- how to start the conversation without defensiveness
-- why what is not said is as important as what is
-- ways of keeping and regaining your balance in the face of attacks and accusations
-- how to decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation

Filled with examples from everyday life， Difficult Conversations will help you on your job， at home， or out of the world。 It is a book you will turn to again and again for advice， practical skills， and reassurance。

Download

Reviews

Ahmed ，

الكتاب دا أضاف ليا معانى و ابعاد أعمق عن "المحادثات" كوسيلة رئيسية لحل المشاكل و النزاعات。 وفهمت ليه ساعات ممكن الحوار حول مشكلة ما （أو عدم وجود حوار من الاساس）， مش بس ممكن يزيدها سوءاً لا دا جايز يتطور الى انه يكون هو المشكلة فى حد ذاته。 وكان عندى شكوك و اعتراضات على كيفية تطبيق المفاهيم المذكورة على ارض الواقع （رغم وفرة الامثلة） الا ان اخر فصل فى الكتاب جاوب على كل اسئلتى تقريباً。。。فى النهاية ارى ان الكتاب دا رائع！ و أعتبره مكسب كبير على المستوى المهنى و الشخصى。 الكتاب دا أضاف ليا معانى و ابعاد أعمق عن "المحادثات" كوسيلة رئيسية لحل المشاكل و النزاعات。 وفهمت ليه ساعات ممكن الحوار حول مشكلة ما （أو عدم وجود حوار من الاساس）， مش بس ممكن يزيدها سوءاً لا دا جايز يتطور الى انه يكون هو المشكلة فى حد ذاته。 وكان عندى شكوك و اعتراضات على كيفية تطبيق المفاهيم المذكورة على ارض الواقع （رغم وفرة الامثلة） الا ان اخر فصل فى الكتاب جاوب على كل اسئلتى تقريباً。。。فى النهاية ارى ان الكتاب دا رائع！ و أعتبره مكسب كبير على المستوى المهنى و الشخصى。 。。。more

Makragić ，

This book dissects why difficult conversations are difficult， showing where in each conversations conflicts can appear。 It offers concrete suggestions as to how to make these conversations work: avoiding blame （and replacing it with "contributions" that come from both sides）; starting from a "third story" （what a mediator might see as having happened）; listening with genuine curiosity， and knowing how one's own identity gets triggered in these kinds of conversations。 This book dissects why difficult conversations are difficult， showing where in each conversations conflicts can appear。 It offers concrete suggestions as to how to make these conversations work: avoiding blame （and replacing it with "contributions" that come from both sides）; starting from a "third story" （what a mediator might see as having happened）; listening with genuine curiosity， and knowing how one's own identity gets triggered in these kinds of conversations。 。。。more

Thomas Jorna ，

Great， practical book which gives substance to the common advice to "communicate more"。Everyone should read this。 Not that everyone needs to read it， but we would all be better off if everyone practiced the advice in this book。 In a way， reading this book might not be that great for you in the short term， as everyday conflicts will appear much more frustrating once you realize which kinds of conversations people are not having， but in the long term will almost definitely make you much better to Great， practical book which gives substance to the common advice to "communicate more"。Everyone should read this。 Not that everyone needs to read it， but we would all be better off if everyone practiced the advice in this book。 In a way， reading this book might not be that great for you in the short term， as everyday conflicts will appear much more frustrating once you realize which kinds of conversations people are not having， but in the long term will almost definitely make you much better to recognize and deal with difficult conversations。The book manages to be very practical without being dull。 Only critiques I have is that the title is slightly misleading， as the book solely deals with confrontations and not with other difficult conversations such as consoling someone who is greaving for instance， and that the relationship examples given are solely of straight couples which is a bit boring。 However， that doesn't detract from the value this book brings， would highly recommend。Tl;dr of the book:- Communicate your feelings and don't try to read the other person's mind/intentions- Try to turn the conversation into one in which the both of you are trying to get to know the other's intentions and feelings， rather than defending your own intentions， and be persistent in this- It doesn't matter that you are right， let go of that and you will be able to resolve conflict much more easily， as the other person also thinks they're right。 。。。more

Morgan Ellis ，

This book is definitely helpful for those in consultancy/advising roles but the angle of the book is strange。 The strategy is largely about how you influence people to do what you want， especially in professional setting， and how to have constructive and less defensive conversions。 It was funny to me to see the framing of “learning conversations” because in my line of work we call that “playing dumb”。The book is also quite repetitive and could be about half the length。 Some of the examples also This book is definitely helpful for those in consultancy/advising roles but the angle of the book is strange。 The strategy is largely about how you influence people to do what you want， especially in professional setting， and how to have constructive and less defensive conversions。 It was funny to me to see the framing of “learning conversations” because in my line of work we call that “playing dumb”。The book is also quite repetitive and could be about half the length。 Some of the examples also seem very outdated （like about sexual harassment in the work place）。。。 。。。more

Irene ，

Easy to read and helpful but I might reconsider the title。 These conversations don't seem difficult， but more so awkward and uncomfortable。 Easy to read and helpful but I might reconsider the title。 These conversations don't seem difficult， but more so awkward and uncomfortable。 。。。more

Anne ，

Very helpful book， can already notice the difference from applying some of the learnings。

Gabriela ，

I would've liked to say wow， but instead I'm just going to label this book as ok-ishWhen did we forget how to communicate？ Indeed， shame， timidity and ackwardness have always been around and very much dependent on one's personality， but this doesn't mean that you need a manual to learn how to communicate。More than half of what I read in this book is common sense and proper education。 If you weren't raised by wolves and you actually got a college degree， then you should be able to communicate cor I would've liked to say wow， but instead I'm just going to label this book as ok-ishWhen did we forget how to communicate？ Indeed， shame， timidity and ackwardness have always been around and very much dependent on one's personality， but this doesn't mean that you need a manual to learn how to communicate。More than half of what I read in this book is common sense and proper education。 If you weren't raised by wolves and you actually got a college degree， then you should be able to communicate correctly and on point。The other half is just text-book personal development advice which you can't really apply IRL。 Why？ Because people have that little thing called personality， which doesn't change regardless of means， education or common sense。 So the book doesn't really teach you what to do when dealing with difficult people and difficult situations， but rather it advices to put yourself in your opponents shoes and try to act based on their perspective。 So， yes， basically common sense。For me， an introvert， there was absolutely nothing new。 Did it give me more courage to carry on the difficult conversations in my private and work life？ No， it has not。 But it did make me aware of so many things。 And of how I could act just on the opposite。 Because apparently rude and senseless people have it all in their life。 Use your time to actually perfect a skill cause if you haven't nailed communication up to this book， then you're never going to do it text book right。 。。。more

Wendy ，

It took me a long time to read this book。 I had the opportunity to hear Sheila Heen speak at the Global Leadership Summit about this book which is why I read it。 Maybe all of the points had already been discussed， I'm not sure why it was so hard to get through。 All good stuff in there。 It took me a long time to read this book。 I had the opportunity to hear Sheila Heen speak at the Global Leadership Summit about this book which is why I read it。 Maybe all of the points had already been discussed， I'm not sure why it was so hard to get through。 All good stuff in there。 。。。more

Christopher Kaufman ，

build your emotional intelligence one interaction at a time

Erin ，

Definitely one to come back to before the next hard conversation。

Amaan Pirani ，

I usually dislike self help books。 Difficult conversations is a strong read if you're looking for a detailed， repeatable， linear framework to navigating conflict with other people。 Indeed， reading it inspired re-evaluation of my past approach to a number of situations。 That said， like many self-help books it sometimes suffers from seemingly unrelatable examples， although the issues are few and far between in this text。 Highly recommend。 I usually dislike self help books。 Difficult conversations is a strong read if you're looking for a detailed， repeatable， linear framework to navigating conflict with other people。 Indeed， reading it inspired re-evaluation of my past approach to a number of situations。 That said， like many self-help books it sometimes suffers from seemingly unrelatable examples， although the issues are few and far between in this text。 Highly recommend。 。。。more

Katja ，

A great refresher on how to talk to people

Horia ，

It's by accident that I got to read Crucial Conversations first。 The information and knowledge in the books are largely overlapping。 So， no matter which one you pick up， it's going to be of use， if you ever struggled with difficult conversations It's by accident that I got to read Crucial Conversations first。 The information and knowledge in the books are largely overlapping。 So， no matter which one you pick up， it's going to be of use， if you ever struggled with difficult conversations 。。。more

Khoa ，

I know it's a good book when the author acknowledges the shortcomings of his method。 No man in his right state of mind thinks his method is one size fits all。 No one， except self-improv authors， whose credentials are questionable。 I know it's a good book when the author acknowledges the shortcomings of his method。 No man in his right state of mind thinks his method is one size fits all。 No one， except self-improv authors， whose credentials are questionable。 。。。more

Kirill ，

One of the most practical and useful books about effective communication and conflict management that I've read。 I've read it right after finishing "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B。 Rosenberg， and while both books explore very similar ideas and techniques， I've found Rosenberg's book a bit too theoretical。 "Difficult Conversations"， on the other hand， gave me much more food for thought and helped me to see better how I can communicate better in various situations in my life。 I keep recom One of the most practical and useful books about effective communication and conflict management that I've read。 I've read it right after finishing "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B。 Rosenberg， and while both books explore very similar ideas and techniques， I've found Rosenberg's book a bit too theoretical。 "Difficult Conversations"， on the other hand， gave me much more food for thought and helped me to see better how I can communicate better in various situations in my life。 I keep recommending this book to some of my friends and family members now， and I hope more people will know about tools described in it。 There's no point to list those tools here just by title， without giving much context， since you can find a better summary online。 I do， however， recommend listening to an audiobook， since the example conversations are more memorable and easier to relate to with real people role-playing them。 。。。more

Jovaughn Brown ，

Difficult Conversations presents a framework for dealing with stressful interactions in all facets of life。 Its lessons are applicable to both professional and personal situations。 The authors pretty much cover all bases in terms of the variety of difficult conversations we can have in life。 Diving deep into human psychology， Difficult Conversations shows readers why we have certain reactions when conversing with one another about hard topics。 It breaks these conversations into three micro-conve Difficult Conversations presents a framework for dealing with stressful interactions in all facets of life。 Its lessons are applicable to both professional and personal situations。 The authors pretty much cover all bases in terms of the variety of difficult conversations we can have in life。 Diving deep into human psychology， Difficult Conversations shows readers why we have certain reactions when conversing with one another about hard topics。 It breaks these conversations into three micro-conversations， and from there builds a framework for turning moments of conflict into moments of learning。 Ultimately， that's the main message of the book is that by identifying what makes difficult conversations seemingly impossible to resolve， people can reframe them into opportunities for learning。 After all， being able to truly listen and understand the other person is what many people fail to do。Some people may see this book as impractical。 With how in-depth it goes， it seems crazy that anyone would have the presence of mind to apply this framework in the heat of the moment。 Fortunately， Difficult Conversations does a good job at instilling these lessons by presenting very well-thought-out and realistic scenarios in a variety of ways。 The authors repeat crucial information and wrap everything up in a coherent manner。 Beyond interpersonal and professional relationships， Difficult Conversations speaks to a larger issue with societal discourse。 The lessons here offer an explanation and potential solution to the ideological rifts that are polarizing people all over the world。 However， the wide scope of the book may be a bit of a turn-off for readers who are looking for lessons to apply to very specific personal situations。 They may not want to know how to handle insubordinate employees or unruly children， yet they will be forced to read through those scenarios as the authors explain their framework。 Still， readers will undoubtedly absorb something useful and invaluable from this book no matter what their goals are。 。。。more

Aimee G ，

This is a book I need to reread and 'study' to get the most out of it。 This is a book I need to reread and 'study' to get the most out of it。 。。。more

Valerie Nadal ，

I wish I could have given this book six stars。 It's outside my usual genre range and I can't even remember how I stumbled on it， but I'm pretty sure I added Difficult Conversations to my reading list because I thought it would be useful even if I wasn't too excited about it。 I'm so glad I did。Difficult Conversations is a good book for everyone who is interested in communicating more clearly and deeply with other people。 Despite what one may assume from the authors' backgrounds with the Harvard N I wish I could have given this book six stars。 It's outside my usual genre range and I can't even remember how I stumbled on it， but I'm pretty sure I added Difficult Conversations to my reading list because I thought it would be useful even if I wasn't too excited about it。 I'm so glad I did。Difficult Conversations is a good book for everyone who is interested in communicating more clearly and deeply with other people。 Despite what one may assume from the authors' backgrounds with the Harvard Negotiation Project， the book is written for everyone: business types and lay people alike。 the writing is very accessible and isn't jargon-y。 And ultimately， the book's main thesis- that underpinning every hard conversation are subconversations about what actually happened， how the participants are feeling， and how the conversation impacts a participant's perception of their identity- makes a lot of sense to me and really helps difficult conversations seem more manageable。 I will definitely read this book again。 。。。more

Cat ，

Rounded up to 2。5 stars。

S ，

This is a good book that I buy and give to friends。 The main thing that I took from it is the reminder to ask yourself what you want to come of a difficult conversation before you get into it。 Deciding what you hope the outcome to be allows you to weigh out whether it's worth it or not （to "choose your battles" so to speak）。 Written in plain language the author provides dialogue that you can use in various tense situations。 This is a good book that I buy and give to friends。 The main thing that I took from it is the reminder to ask yourself what you want to come of a difficult conversation before you get into it。 Deciding what you hope the outcome to be allows you to weigh out whether it's worth it or not （to "choose your battles" so to speak）。 Written in plain language the author provides dialogue that you can use in various tense situations。 。。。more

Monique Prins ，

I reckon this one should be a staple on everyone's bookshelf。 I reckon this one should be a staple on everyone's bookshelf。 。。。more

Charles River ，

Jen Kordell recommendation

Tejas ，

The "Road Map" at the end of the book （also a table of contents） is something that could be used as a reference if you think a conversation is becoming "difficult"。 The "Road Map" at the end of the book （also a table of contents） is something that could be used as a reference if you think a conversation is becoming "difficult"。 。。。more

Laura ，

Book club book。 Extraordinary discussion of the common failures in conversations and how to address them。 The different sub-conversations going on invisibly。 The "what happened" conversation， the identity conversation， the blame conversation， the feelings conversation。ttttttt Book club book。 Extraordinary discussion of the common failures in conversations and how to address them。 The different sub-conversations going on invisibly。 The "what happened" conversation， the identity conversation， the blame conversation， the feelings conversation。ttttttt 。。。more

Agnė Danaitė ，

#eikskaityt #Saviugda #vertaskaityti #difficult #conversationsKą daryti， kad sunkūs pokalbiai būtų lengvesni？ Darbų delegavimas， grįžtamojo ryšio teikimas， problemų sprendimas， pašliję santykiai， konfliktai， išgalvotos ir tikros įtampos komandoje。 Tai kasdienė bendravimo dalis。 Sunkus dėl to， kad yra didelis atotrūkis tarp to， kaip šiuose pokalbiuose jaučiamės ir ką galvojame bei to， ką ir kiek iš tikrųjų pasakome。 “The key is learning to describe the gap or difference between your story and the #eikskaityt #Saviugda #vertaskaityti #difficult #conversationsKą daryti， kad sunkūs pokalbiai būtų lengvesni？ Darbų delegavimas， grįžtamojo ryšio teikimas， problemų sprendimas， pašliję santykiai， konfliktai， išgalvotos ir tikros įtampos komandoje。 Tai kasdienė bendravimo dalis。 Sunkus dėl to， kad yra didelis atotrūkis tarp to， kaip šiuose pokalbiuose jaučiamės ir ką galvojame bei to， ką ir kiek iš tikrųjų pasakome。 “The key is learning to describe the gap or difference between your story and the other person‘s story“。 Dar prieš sudėtingą pokalbį su pašnekovu rekomenduojama apsikeisti savijauta， mintimis ir lūkesčiais， kaip abu nusiteikę atėjote， dėl ko galbūt nerimaujate ir kaip norėtumėte， kad šis pokalbis praeitų， kad būtų rezultatyvus jums abiem。 Tik nereikėtų painioti su small talk （Kaip šeima？ Kaip šiaip？）。 Kai reikia kalbėti apie tai， kas nėra itin malonu ar slypi kažkur giliau。。。 Galima pasakyti kažką panašaus: matau， kad mudu kalbamės， tačiau jaučiu， kad pasakome ne viską， o kaip tau atrodo？ Žinai， man toks jausmas， kad mes einame ratais aplink šią problemą， ką siūlai？ Labai svarbu įgarsinti tai， kas lieka nepasakyta。 Tam， kad tas negerai neužaugtų į didelį negerai。 Mes mokomės iš tų， kurie geba pastebėti tai， ko nepastebi kiti， įvardija tai， ko neįvardija kiti， išgirsta tai， kas nėra pasakyta kitų， ir kviečia mus daryti tą patį。 Jei užbaigę susitikimą įgarsintumėme savo savijautą ir paprašytumėte tai padaryti kito žmogaus， šis pokalbis taptų kur kas turtingesnis。 Labai svarbu suteikti grįžtamąjį ryšį čia ir dabar， sukurti galimybę greitai keisti situacijas ir reikiamu metu į jas sureaguoti。 Kai esi susipažinęs su įvairia grįžtamojo ryšio patirtimi， supranti， kaip labai vertini gerąją patirtį。 Puiki knyga karantinui ir besiruošiantiems būsimiems metiniams pokalbiams。 Eičaro chrestomatija。 Ir ne tik。 Knyga， kurią norėsis atsiversti darkart。 Ir ne vieną kartą。 “The only people who shouldn‘t read Difficult Conversations are those who never work with people， anywhere。” – Peteris Michaelas Senge'as。 。。。more

Felix Dörpmund ，

This book is about being better at having meaningful and difficult conversations。 The authors propose a framework that can be used to get an understanding of different layers （what happened， What emotions are involved， what does this say about my identity？） such a conversation entails and thus get more insights into why some conversations do not seem to go anywhere。 They attempt to help the reader both in understanding their own emotions and the emotions of others。 The authors give examples alon This book is about being better at having meaningful and difficult conversations。 The authors propose a framework that can be used to get an understanding of different layers （what happened， What emotions are involved， what does this say about my identity？） such a conversation entails and thus get more insights into why some conversations do not seem to go anywhere。 They attempt to help the reader both in understanding their own emotions and the emotions of others。 The authors give examples along the way to drive home their different concepts and strategies。 This has certainly been a educational read。 I enjoyed the introduction to the three layered framework。 It gave me a primer on how to think about these kinds of conversations conceptually。 It has also helped me tremendously in some of my personal relationships and made me realise a couple of things about myself and the way I communicate。 I also enjoyed some of the case studies and examples they gave about starting difficult conversations （third story， exploration etc。）。 At the same time， stretches of this book feel like a well-written collection of common sense rules that seem a bit shallow。 This makes it a quick read but also leaves a somewhat bad impression。 。。。more

Andrei Vajna ，

Explains the anatomy of a difficult conversation and offers guidance on how to approach one。 A bit too wordy and I think it needed a summary of sorts or a checklist for each chapter， but good advice overall。

Stephanie Vatz ，

I grabbed a used copy of this book from my friend Emma's bookshelf before shelter-in-place started and had meant to read it to help me with management and leadership skills。 I think it was actually an interesting book to start 2021 with considering the circumstances -- seemingly half the country needs to have a difficult conversation （or a hundred） around race， identity， science。。。Written by members of the Harvard Negotiation Project， this is not a management book or a leadership book。 It's not I grabbed a used copy of this book from my friend Emma's bookshelf before shelter-in-place started and had meant to read it to help me with management and leadership skills。 I think it was actually an interesting book to start 2021 with considering the circumstances -- seemingly half the country needs to have a difficult conversation （or a hundred） around race， identity， science。。。Written by members of the Harvard Negotiation Project， this is not a management book or a leadership book。 It's not a book about getting other people to change their minds -- it's not really even about trying to find a "happy medium。" It's a book that offers research-tested ways of moving forward in an argument。 It talks about understanding where everyone in a difficult conversation is coming from and using that to diagnose a problem， more deeply understand one another's identities or get feelings out on the table to move forward。I typically read half of self-help style books before deciding that it's repeating itself and could have been 1/4 as long with a better editor。 This book I read to the end and for that reason， I'm giving it 4 stars。 。。。more

Resident Optimist ，

Page 18

Catherine ，

Listened to this on audiobook。 Will have to get a print version because I want to refer back to the most helpful sections。

Reference

google book https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&q=Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

hathitrust digital library https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/ls?q1=Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most&field1=ocr&a=srchls&ft=ft&lmt=ft

The British Library https://bll01.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/discovery/search?query=any,contains,Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most&tab=LibraryCatalog&search_scope=Not_BL_Suppress&vid=44BL_INST:BLL01&lang=en&offset=0